Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
