Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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