just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
