if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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