Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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