Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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