if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
