Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
