My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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