I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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