my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
