Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
