Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
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