hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
