First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
