you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
