Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
