there's paper in my vomit.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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