bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
