So gin and wine won't be happening again
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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