Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
