My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
