And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
