I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
