Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
