Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
