you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
