You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
My ATM looks so different sober.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world