you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
