You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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