They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
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At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
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Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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