woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
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My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
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That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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