I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
