WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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