Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
