Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
