Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
