You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
