the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
