um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
