Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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