We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
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