Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
