i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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