We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
