Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
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Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
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I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line