She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
