that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
