Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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