I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
