I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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