LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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