I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
