i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
