Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
